Went back to the same bar yesterday, for the Preakness. Hoping to meet the woman I'd had such a lovely time with during the Kentucky Derby. But because her husband had been somewhat suspicious and bothered by the fun time his wife and I had, I decided to bring along an ex. I suppose I wanted him to know that I am, in fact, gay.
Out and openly gay.
The good thing abut my ex is he's black. And anyone in NYC -- LGBT and otherwise -- pretty much knows that when a black man and a non-black man -- both over 35 -- are together, chances are 99% we're gay. So, about an hour before the race, the woman and her husband -- along with two male friends of his, come in. I greet them, and introduce them to Robert. The woman is delighted to meet Robert, but the husband basically turns away and chats with his two buddies.
It was awkward, there was obvious tension between the couple. I apologized to her and offered to leave. But she wouldn't hear of it. She, Robert and I had a great time, and so engrossed in our stories were we, that we didn't even realize the race had started.
She gave me her e-mail, and suggested we get together some evening for dinner. She assured me her husband wouldn't mind, now that he was assured I was really, truly, honestly homosexual.
I sense another straight women/gay man friendship budding.
I'm telling you, the GBF juggernaut will not be stopped.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
Saturday, May 18, 2013
In Perfect Synch
Couple of weeks ago, I was at a bar to watch the Kentucky Derby. I know nothing about horse racing, but a couple of things intrigued me. A crowd gathered, pretty soon we were all trying to figure out a way to have a pool. There were about ten of us, three women, the rest guys and me, the only (apparently) gay guy.
So someone says we should each say who we are rooting for. Two of the women had no idea who was racing, knew nothing. the guys all seemed to have read up on it and had their supposedly solid reasons for picking a favorite.
When it came time for me to name whom I was rooting for, I named the black jockey, from Kenya, and the female jockey. The one woman who had read up on it let out a yelp and gave me a high five. She was rooting for the same two.
From then on, she and I were as one, chatting, going on about one thing and another. It was like we'd been friends for years. Her husband even asked what was going on between us. She told him he'd never understand and, turning her back, went right back to nattering with me. It was then that I realized she knew I was gay. Nothing said, but she knew. And because I was gay, she felt utterly relaxed and in synch with me.
After the race, as they were leaving, she gave me a big hug and whispered: "Thanks for being here. You made it worth it. Come here often?" Haven't been back since, but maybe this afternoon, the Preakness?
Now, this has nothing, on the surface, to do with GBF. But in fact, it does, for it speaks to the emotional symmetry between straight women and gay men. And why we are such a natural fit for one another.
So someone says we should each say who we are rooting for. Two of the women had no idea who was racing, knew nothing. the guys all seemed to have read up on it and had their supposedly solid reasons for picking a favorite.
When it came time for me to name whom I was rooting for, I named the black jockey, from Kenya, and the female jockey. The one woman who had read up on it let out a yelp and gave me a high five. She was rooting for the same two.
From then on, she and I were as one, chatting, going on about one thing and another. It was like we'd been friends for years. Her husband even asked what was going on between us. She told him he'd never understand and, turning her back, went right back to nattering with me. It was then that I realized she knew I was gay. Nothing said, but she knew. And because I was gay, she felt utterly relaxed and in synch with me.
After the race, as they were leaving, she gave me a big hug and whispered: "Thanks for being here. You made it worth it. Come here often?" Haven't been back since, but maybe this afternoon, the Preakness?
Now, this has nothing, on the surface, to do with GBF. But in fact, it does, for it speaks to the emotional symmetry between straight women and gay men. And why we are such a natural fit for one another.
Friday, May 17, 2013
The GBF Possibilities Are Limitless
A friend and I, another gay guy, were at the theater last night, Off-Broadway. Couple next to us, fortyish, wife and husband. Within ten minutes, the husband is drifting off. His elbow slipping off the armrest, nudging me. He'd then snap awake, look guiltily around, and promptly start snoozing off again. His wife was embarrassed and annoyed. She kept elbowing him, shooting me apologetic glances.
At intermission, my friend and I are standing in the lobby, chatting, when the wife appears. She apologizes for her husband. I told her it was okay, sorry he wasn't enjoying the show. She said he never does, hates the theater. Probably she should come with a friend.
Seated again, she took the seat next to me, the husband on the aisle. The wife and I talked a bit before Act II began. After the show, the wife shook my hand and said she hoped to see us again (subscription, four plays a season). She asked if we had tickets for the next show. I said we hadn't and she mentioned that she was already booked for June 14. I said we'd try and book for the same night. She offered us a huge smile and left.
On the way home, I told my friend that she doesn't realize it yet, but she's already in the market for a GBF. I'll look forward to seeing her again.
If a gay guy is open to being a gay best friend, the possibilities (at least here in NYC) are deliciously unlimited.
At intermission, my friend and I are standing in the lobby, chatting, when the wife appears. She apologizes for her husband. I told her it was okay, sorry he wasn't enjoying the show. She said he never does, hates the theater. Probably she should come with a friend.
Seated again, she took the seat next to me, the husband on the aisle. The wife and I talked a bit before Act II began. After the show, the wife shook my hand and said she hoped to see us again (subscription, four plays a season). She asked if we had tickets for the next show. I said we hadn't and she mentioned that she was already booked for June 14. I said we'd try and book for the same night. She offered us a huge smile and left.
On the way home, I told my friend that she doesn't realize it yet, but she's already in the market for a GBF. I'll look forward to seeing her again.
If a gay guy is open to being a gay best friend, the possibilities (at least here in NYC) are deliciously unlimited.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
GBF? Yes, But I Am Not::
Snarky
Sarcastic
A fashionista (abhor shopping for myself, but get a great whack out of hanging with a woman while she shops. Something about their unvarnished enthusiasm is catching, very impressive. And I don't mind offering advice, for anything from over-ruling an over-the-top lipstick to an outfit which doesn't quite nail her particular persona)
I'm just a guy who happens to be gay. And though this doesn't solely define me, my gayness is most certainly a deep and telling and important part of yours truly, Dan Collier.
Do I announce my homosexuality when I walk down the street? Enter a room? To another gay man, most certainly. To straight women? Yes, again most certainly. To straight men, not really.
Sarcastic
A fashionista (abhor shopping for myself, but get a great whack out of hanging with a woman while she shops. Something about their unvarnished enthusiasm is catching, very impressive. And I don't mind offering advice, for anything from over-ruling an over-the-top lipstick to an outfit which doesn't quite nail her particular persona)
I'm just a guy who happens to be gay. And though this doesn't solely define me, my gayness is most certainly a deep and telling and important part of yours truly, Dan Collier.
Do I announce my homosexuality when I walk down the street? Enter a room? To another gay man, most certainly. To straight women? Yes, again most certainly. To straight men, not really.
The GBF Is More Than A Pop Culture Trend
The GBF is here to stay. It has been around far longer than Sex And The City or Will & Grace, far longer than HS and college girls collecting their very own GBF.
When I was not yet out of the closet, I was friends with women, not casual friendships, deep, intimate. When I came out all those years ago, the friendships continued, grew more meaningful. Oh, sure, the odious term "fag hag" was tossed around. But it didn't undercut the friendships.
Whatever it was which made me who and what I am, inside, drew me to women -- similar life views, interests, politics, sensitivity. These women with whom I became close friends were not using me as as their gay trophy, their gay accessory to show off to friends and colleagues. They were close to me because I answered needs unfulfilled by their husbands and BFs.
I was hardly the only gay man with female friends. many gay men were closer to women than to men. We were, natch, mocked for this, looked down on, as if being friends with a woman was somehow inferior to friendships with men. But none of this put a lid on the straight woman/gay man friendships.
Nor will the trendy HS/college girl GBF phenomenon derail what I am convinced is a powerful and inevitable reality -- the natural affinity between straight women and gay men.
In the past couple of months, several articles exploring the GBF juggernaut have appeared. I'm not talking articles gee-whizzing about college girls refusing to let their GBF be friends with others, or some such in pop culture magazines. Both Psychology Today and Atlantic had long, in depth articles exploring the subject. Results of a recent study by Texas Christian university revealed what I could have told them -- straight women and gay men have a lot in common and we gravitate to each other.
When I was not yet out of the closet, I was friends with women, not casual friendships, deep, intimate. When I came out all those years ago, the friendships continued, grew more meaningful. Oh, sure, the odious term "fag hag" was tossed around. But it didn't undercut the friendships.
Whatever it was which made me who and what I am, inside, drew me to women -- similar life views, interests, politics, sensitivity. These women with whom I became close friends were not using me as as their gay trophy, their gay accessory to show off to friends and colleagues. They were close to me because I answered needs unfulfilled by their husbands and BFs.
I was hardly the only gay man with female friends. many gay men were closer to women than to men. We were, natch, mocked for this, looked down on, as if being friends with a woman was somehow inferior to friendships with men. But none of this put a lid on the straight woman/gay man friendships.
Nor will the trendy HS/college girl GBF phenomenon derail what I am convinced is a powerful and inevitable reality -- the natural affinity between straight women and gay men.
In the past couple of months, several articles exploring the GBF juggernaut have appeared. I'm not talking articles gee-whizzing about college girls refusing to let their GBF be friends with others, or some such in pop culture magazines. Both Psychology Today and Atlantic had long, in depth articles exploring the subject. Results of a recent study by Texas Christian university revealed what I could have told them -- straight women and gay men have a lot in common and we gravitate to each other.
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Putting The High School GBF Into Perpsective
Though I can't speak from experience about what is happening in HS and college regarding the GBF, I have a strong feeling that beyond the gay trophy/accessory aspect, there is very real intellectual and emotional depth to the friendship between female and gay students. Far more, I am utterly certain, than between jocks -- the quarterback, the high scoring forward, the pitcher -- and their GFs (who are almost always trophies, adornments, accessories). I find it hard to believe that the gay trophy role is as powerful and intense as the actual friendship, which very likely provides the girl and her GBF with tremendous emotional sustenance.
Does this excuse the behavior of some young HS girls? Perhaps not, but it places the GBF role in some perspective. If a teen-age girl and her GBF are able to support each other through messy and complex moments throughout high school, then I believe this outweighs any negatives related to the trophy angle.
Does this excuse the behavior of some young HS girls? Perhaps not, but it places the GBF role in some perspective. If a teen-age girl and her GBF are able to support each other through messy and complex moments throughout high school, then I believe this outweighs any negatives related to the trophy angle.
The Great Gatsby
So, there I am at The Great Gatsby over the weekend (which I absolutely adored!), my date a wonderful woman. Next to us are two women, thirtyish, both excited about seeing it. In front of us, a couple, mid-twenties. To my side, another couple, also mid-twenties. Place jammed, sold out. Women making up, easily, 65/70% of the audience.
As the film goes on, the guy in front of us starts squirming, he's bored, growing more so. To my right, same thing, the guy is bored and annoyed. The two women to our left, utterly enchanted. As it ends, the two guys are up and out of there, disgusted, dragging their wives/GFs. My friend and I both start saying how we loved it, everything worked, on and on. The two women to our left agree, saying how smart they were in not making their husbands come.
One of them says how lucky my friend is that her husband actually likes such as Gatsby. My friend never misses a beat, says I'm not her husband, just her best friend.
A couple of beats, silence.
Then the two women both clap with delight. "You're gay, aren't you?" I nod and one of the women asks my friend: "Like, him, he's a GBF?" My friend takes my hand in hers as an answer. Both women tell my friend how lucky she is, and wonder just how they might go about meeting gay men for outings such as Gatsby.
Point of this post is to show just how mainstream has become the whole Gay Best Friend phenomenon. These two women, both married, were fully aware of the straight woman/GBF juggernaut; aware of it and envious and willing to pursue it. They weren't looking at me as a gay trophy, gay adornment, but as a good friend whose interests were more closely aligned with theirs, women's.
Our exchange continued as we left and went out onto 68th Street, both women wished us great good fortune.
GBF just keeps rolling along.
As the film goes on, the guy in front of us starts squirming, he's bored, growing more so. To my right, same thing, the guy is bored and annoyed. The two women to our left, utterly enchanted. As it ends, the two guys are up and out of there, disgusted, dragging their wives/GFs. My friend and I both start saying how we loved it, everything worked, on and on. The two women to our left agree, saying how smart they were in not making their husbands come.
One of them says how lucky my friend is that her husband actually likes such as Gatsby. My friend never misses a beat, says I'm not her husband, just her best friend.
A couple of beats, silence.
Then the two women both clap with delight. "You're gay, aren't you?" I nod and one of the women asks my friend: "Like, him, he's a GBF?" My friend takes my hand in hers as an answer. Both women tell my friend how lucky she is, and wonder just how they might go about meeting gay men for outings such as Gatsby.
Point of this post is to show just how mainstream has become the whole Gay Best Friend phenomenon. These two women, both married, were fully aware of the straight woman/GBF juggernaut; aware of it and envious and willing to pursue it. They weren't looking at me as a gay trophy, gay adornment, but as a good friend whose interests were more closely aligned with theirs, women's.
Our exchange continued as we left and went out onto 68th Street, both women wished us great good fortune.
GBF just keeps rolling along.
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